Only One is Worthy

I am going through Living Waters, a program designed for the relationally broken, homosexuals, addicted and sexually abused. This is why I frequently reflect on why I behave the way I do. Now I try to take these realizations to the Cross of Christ where He loves and restores me.

Last month, the last time I was extremely angry with my husband, I withdrew, as my habit has been, and in my mind, deserted him yet again and went after, in the lust of my flesh, the dream of someone else. When I noticed that I was "going there again" I asked God,"Why do I keep doing this?"

God replied,"You are searching for a man worthy of your love."

"But, I have not ever found any one worthy of my love, God."

The conversation continued.

"There is no man who is worthy of your love, but one, Christ Jesus, your Lord."

I sadly realized that I am neither worthy of God's nor Christ's love. I fall short all the time.I do things that I know better than to do but do them anyway. I play 'king of the hill' with him and I try to take over the dirt pile and kick my Lord off of it.

"You were not worthy of it. But now, in Him, you were made worthy."

Father, forgive me for demanding of my husband actions and a standard that I can not even live up to. Forgive me for wandering away from my one and only love, my Lord, Christ, who has made me worthy of your great love. Help me to love others with your love, even when I am angry. Amen.

Drawing Out

God is drawing me out. Oh and I don't like it.

I am used to hiding away in my self structured cocoon. It is cosey in there and I feel safe. But my relationships have suffered, and teaching my children to face relational difficulties has been replete with failure and poor example setting. Now I am reaping the consequences of my own kids doing the same thing I have always done and even acting the same way towards me when we have a disagreement.

I know God has already forgiven my sin & weakness and the blood of Jesus has made me righteous. I do not want anyone to say, "Oh poor Carol," or "That's OK." I do not want to minimize what I have done. God is drawing me out to make amends and to overcome my tendency to hide and stay quiet when hurt or offended.

My own relationships have suffered from lack of honest communication and openness. I just had to have peace and quiet. But there is no peace without communication and honesty. Quiet is a quality of lack of sound on the outside AND on the inside. I need quiet on the inside now, too. Squelching my feelings may keep it quiet on the outside but there is a war battling in my head and it can be loud at times.

So I am being drawn out of my shell to expose my neck and heart in a way that is new and scary. I ask for your prayers and much grace while I learn how to live out in the open and out loud.

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, my God and my redeemer. Amen.